I am Medium Size, Indecent Exposure


At long last Shanghai seems to have broken free from its winter shackles and we’ve had a good run of five days straight of spring sunshine. And the timing couldn’t have been better. This week I did a video shoot for a new outdoor sports clothing label called Haski which is shortly to launch all over China.

Getting ready to shoot the first scene.

I heard the words “outdoor clothing” and immediately my stomach churned with nerves. Me, modelling outdoor wear? In case you’ve forgotten what I look like – skinny guy, slim waist, bony knees. Not exactly your hunky lumber jack checked-shirt model. It all became apparent why I was selected when we (Lezil the supportive wife and I) arrived at the flagship Apple Store on Huai Hai Lu which was the designated meeting point. Shoot director Graham Folkema briefed me and amongst the deluge of artistic direction he stated: “You are perfect for the China campaign. Your small frame suits the Chinese body shape. Plus, you fit into the trendy urbanite category that we are targeting.”

Some quick adjustments before the next shot.


Phew. And yes, it’s true. For me Chinese sizes do fit better. In fact when I first arrived in China I was shocked to discover that I am considered a medium here (in the UK I flirted between XS and S). The make-up artist, stylist and the film crew arrived. I got handed a bulky black bag and scarpered off to the toilets for a quick change.

The Apple Store is spread over two floors and walking down the spiral glass staircase to rejoin the awaiting film team, I felt like a candidate on one of those ‘How Good Do I Look’ fashion shows. And boy was I hoping for the thumbs up approval. The South Korean stylist (forgot her name) added the last touches and we stepped out. The exact filming spot was at a colourful intersection of brightly flashing plasma screens and the white lights of a BMW car show room providing the perfect back light. The main scene was of me in a fast-paced city, enthralled by the dazzling electrical illuminations around and sharing it all with a friend on a phone call. Oh, and technically I am supposed to be in Tokyo. The camera man kept the shots pretty tight so that the background looked generic and out-of-focus; so maybe, just maybe, I could be in Tokyo.

A different angle.

People passing by paused to check on proceedings but it was the moment a group of extremely red-faced and extremely drunk twenty-something American tourists stopped; that’s when I had to put my non-existent acting skills into overdrive. I say “non-existent acting skills”, but actually during my stint living in South Korea when I was a wee youngster I was cast in quite a few musicals at Seoul Foreign School. So as I attempted to relive my prior Oklahoma experience and channel my professionalism towards the lens, the tipsy lot were mumbling and fumbling nonsense. Thankfully they turned out to be docile drunks. The last thing I needed were dramatic drunks, otherwise I would have given them a bit more than a harmonious rendition of Oh What A beautiful Morning.

Pretend-talking to a friend about the wonders of the city!


It was 10pm and we completed two hours of shooting. Leaving the crew I went to find somewhere to change. By this time, most shops had closed so I entered an office block. The ladies toilets were easy to find but the men’s were nowhere to be seen. Asking an old security guard, he replied in a thick Shanghainese accent which I found hard to understand. I simply followed his hand directions which motioned to go downstairs. Down one flight of stairs, I came into an underground car park area but no toilet. I went down another flight of stairs, same thing. Went down another set and it was apparent that my linguistic skills had failed me. I didn’t have a clue where the toilets were.

My number one fan - Lezil!

Poking me head around there was just one car parked and no one to be seen. Standing by the staircase area I looked up to see what security cameras were about. (You guessed it. I wanted to change there and then.) The ceiling CCTV was one of these annoying bubble cameras with a cover so dark it was hard to tell which direction the actual mini camera inside was pointing. I was tired, so I just went for it. Top half stripped down and my own shirt was back on quick time. Jeans unbuttoned, unzipped and one trouser leg off and the other hanging somewhere by the knee. And yes, like a badly scripted South American telenovela the inevitable happened. I heard footsteps. Crap! The news headline of a foreigner caught in indecent exposure in a public place (in CHINA of all places!) blinded my mind for a moment. In quick lightning speed I grappled the jeans back on and up to my waist but not quick enough to zip away the appearance of my Calvin Klein’s when a security guard appeared. Oh, Oklahoma! Granted, I was still in front of a camera but perhaps this security surveillance variety wouldn’t be so accommodating as my previous Hollywood-friendly one from the video shoot.

Filming complete!


Nonchalantly nodding I kept my cool as the security guard looked me up and down and zoned in on my open front zipper jeans area and dishevelled video shoot clothes on the floor around me. Finally I got to use my Chinese classes for an emergency situation. “Leng,” I uttered. (“Cold”.) He agreed with me and I motioned that I was putting on additional clothes. He told me to hurry as they were locking up. Relieved, I left the building with half photo shoot and personal clothes on. The toilet at the 24 hour McDonald’s down the road was a more uneventful place to complete my re-transformation. Now I just got to wait for the finished advert which will be completed in four week’s time.

Category : Shanghai 2012